When I was young, my parents would take my brothers and I to Civil War battlefields. Through circumstances known to me, my father unknowingly pushed me into historical literacy. One of the fastest ways to achieve this is by being placed on the side of a lost clause against your will, stockholm syndroming yourself into believing it was your will, then slowly convincing yourself that you were placed here by hands other than your own and you have no obligation to believe the false parts.
This was the first act of historical scrapping I performed. It began when my father told me to go back to the gift shop at Gettysburg and exchange my Union kepi for a Confederate one. It ended when Moses Ezekiel’s statue in Arlington Cemetery was taken down in 2023. What did I preserve from that period when I trapped my mind in the 19th Century? Robert E. Lee and the Field Artillery.
I learned there was a lot to love about the South’s lost cause. I learned there was even more to hate about it, but mostly things to ignore or dismiss as products of their time. Now, the South is rising again in a new form, one many are uncomfortable with but I am happy to welcome. It kept the faith, culturally at least.
When I was eight, my obsession with History and the Army found its first legitimate expressions. It likely predated age eight. To me it’s been an ever-present, perennial fact of my life. I like history. I know history. I am good at history. I like the army. I know the army. I’m not necessarily good at the army. But I am in the army now.
I wasn’t a Christian until the last couple of years before Moses Ezekiel’s statue was torn down. Now I am. It was the best decision I ever made. The Confederacy was an idolatry to me. I worshiped them. I worshiped others too. Other lost causes, vanquished armies, defeated generals. I was a fool. I am a fool. I know better now, at least a little bit.
I was discharged from the army after a year and a half long trial of pain, patience, death, and rebirth. It was perhaps the threat of this ever-present perennial fact of my life disappearing which allowed me to open my heart to Jesus Christ, and now he is reforming me into something he wants me to be, and I want to be. God removed me from the Army to change me. He delivered me back into the Army to reform me.
But I have not yet decided in my heart what it is the new me is to be. The old me desired death, war, strife, killing, and other evil things. The new me desires none of these, and yet my fascination with deactivating war by gamifying it has remained. I love and loved war games in my teenage years. These are happier memories than actual military life.
I want to play war as a game, to exchange the killing for the deactivation or removal of pieces from the table but never their incineration, destruction, grinding to dust or bits. I am under no illusions about war’s ever-presence until Christ’s return, nor am I a pacifist afraid of killing. However, I have no more lust for it. No more hunger for glory, at least in the fighting sense. More in the “I was there, I know” sense, where I can better relate to others who were, and be merciful to people who weren’t. That I may be able to suture the wound between soldier and civilian, soldier and trainee, officer and enlisted, combat and non-combat.
You must have strength to dispense mercy. And I desire to dispense as much mercy as the Lord gives me to dispense. Because I believe I can. I wish to build up a fortune of experience and respect, of hardships and struggle as much as I’m able, just to give it away, to shatter any and all preconceived notions of what a thing I’ve experienced is. That there be no more secrets as long as I exist to share them.
Good read, I to am a student of history. Mostly late 18th and 19th century, but I also like Rome and Medieval Christendom. Military history is my main thing though, when I was young I wanted to be a soldier too, I loved watching war movies with my uncle, still do like watching old war movies from time to time. I'm from the north by the way, so I don't have a connection to the south or lost causes, but I greatly admire and respect the southern people. Anyways, after a while I suddenly didn't want to be a soldier anymore. I think I realized what it meant and I just didn't have the stomach, now I most certainly am not joining the military and serving the GAE. Great article. Peace
That was really good Paul. I was sort of on the opposite end. I grew up hearing the praise of our Southern ancestors yet I chose at a young age to despise them. It wasn’t till high school, college and the discovery of my family history that I came back. As for a Christian I am young too. I was ignoring God, worshipping women in Idolatry and laziness as a sacrifice to it. Now I just want to hear job well done good and faithful servant from The most high. Good read and your service is appreciated. War Chimp out.